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| title | date | techne | episteme |
|---|---|---|---|
| A Meditation on Hate | 2012-02-07 | :wip | :believed |
Jesus says, I have let loose fire upon the world, and behold, I tend it until the world is consumed.
-- Thomas 10
Something bad happened. The specific harm is of no relevance. No-one can be found guilty, no reparation can be made, the harm cannot be undone. Yet again in this life, I suffered. So far this was not remarkable. The cause of my grief, bad as it was, was not special in the grand scheme of things.
I knew that the pain would diminish, would be transformed away. Time would pass and eventually, I would not grief anymore. I would at first have moments of neutrality, then of happiness again. I would slowly forget my loss and it would not seem quite so salient anymore. Eventually, all would've faded and normality would return. Suffering would change to contentness once again.
But then something unique happened. I resented this change.
This is the flip-side of the Hedonic Treadmill. It is not just your joy, not just the ecstatic bliss that will normalize and return to your set point. Even your hate, your grief, all your acquired and justified pain, will eventually be taken from you.
I refuse. I will not be denied my grief.
TODO technique
I relive the moment of separation. I visualize my heart being ripped out of my chest. I create tension in my body, seek unpleasant, uncomfortable positions, so I can focus solely on the awfulness of the experience.
TODO awfulness
And so I chant:
[Kali][], grant me my grief, and strengthen the feelings of loss. May I never become happy, so I can always remember the pain of the harm I must endure.
Kali, grant me my grief, so I may forever suffer, knowing I shall not forget the harm I have been caused.
Kali, may you devour as all, and until the day comes, grant me my rightful grief.
I will not forget. Every day, I reinforce it. I remember the loss, strengthen the pain in me, recreate it anew so that I may never forget its awfulness.
[Seek no transformation][Stances]. Do not shape your emotions into other, nicer emotions. Your mind will try to move on through the pain. Do not let it.
I have nothing but hate for the world. It will not be taken from me.