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24 lines
2.2 KiB
Markdown
24 lines
2.2 KiB
Markdown
---
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title: Straight Outta Bückeburg
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date: '2012-03-21'
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techne: :done
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episteme: :log
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slug: 2012/03/21/straight-outta-buckeburg/
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---
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I tried ~10min kasina practice with one of these blue-light therapy lights. Extremely bright, but candle flames always have the problem of being too small, being hard to expand into space. Massive LED? Should be much easier. I wonder if I'll ever regain sight, though...
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Results: actually worse than a candle flame. The after-image is *still* tiny and its strength has nothing to do with the brightness of the object. It's entirely about my concentration and the spatial mode I'm in. Pity, no cheating here.
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Then 10min trying to return to The Void, but the emotional reaction was completely gone. I'm currently detached, broken.
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I did ~10min of corpse meditation. I took [images][maggots image]) and a [video][maggots head] of someone with maggots in their heads, then imagined these maggots (and later snails, which I find even more disgusting) in my head, in my stomach, my mouth and so on. I made two observations.
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First, it's easy to just dissociate from it, just think "I'm imaging being eaten by maggots" instead of actually imaging it. I have to force myself to actually engage with it. I ultimately broke the wall by physically grabbing my hand and imaging pushing it into a bucket of snails, which then proceed to rip away the flesh and devour the hand. Finally some panic, actual disgust, a sense of "make it stop, let me die now, I can't stand a second of it, just let me die". Good practice to not flinch away when it counts.
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Second, I was constantly trying to slip into peace, content, endurance. When all the flesh of my body was devoured, I had a pure skeleton left, sitting at peace. I had to fight *against* this equanimity to get back into the disgust. The avoidance reaction is deeply ingrained and takes many forms. (This has been the main problem with drug trips in the past.)
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Corpse meditation is definitely on The List Of Important Techniques now.
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Finally 10min noting (which is getting better, slowly), some relaxation. I'm definitely in the dukkha nanas now. Constant anxiety, can't properly embed *or* disembed. I'm stuck in vague "this all sucks" territory without pleasure, without pain. Will try to do a proper anapana sit soon.
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