423 lines
22 KiB
Markdown
423 lines
22 KiB
Markdown
---
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title: Hamiltonian
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date: 2013-08-21
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techne: :done
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episteme: :log
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---
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<%= youtube("https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PI2GauQ1eiU") %>
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Hey, internet! So a lot of stuff’s been happening. As I alluded to in
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some off-hand comments here and there, I’ve been busy transitioning into
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adulthood, or whatever passes as that for me anyway. (I’ve internally
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just begun to call it Chapter 1, and everything before now Prologue,
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because I’m stupid like that.[^stupid])
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This process is still ongoing, but instead of waiting for another 2
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months or so and then recapping, I thought I could just get back to
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writing now, while stuff’s still happening. Crazy idea, I know!
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I am, in a certain sense, done with my CS degree, and as you can tell by
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that weaselly phrase, I mean that I’ve dropped out instead of continuing
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that torturous phase of my past for yet another year. The only real
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reason I even started the degree was because I didn’t have any other
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idea what else to do, and was using it to cheaply buy time. That worked
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out reasonably well - in total, I got half a decade out of it, and grew
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enough in the process (and met the right people, and ideas) that I now
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think it was absolutely the right decision. Maybe there would’ve been
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better alternatives (if so, I still don’t know what they would’ve been,
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beyond a “don’t take so long to stop being lame” reminder that’s
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probably only applicable with hindsight), but regardless, well done,
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past-me, It wasn’t fancy or heroic, but it worked just fine.
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Still, it took me probably a good year to actually make the decision to
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drop out after I knew I wasn’t gonna continue this path and had begun to
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see an alternative. Sometimes more legible options appear stronger just
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because they are legible. A degree is of fairly straightforward value -
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you can easily look up income statistics and job requirements, compare
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it to the time investment of college, there ya go - and any part that
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isn’t easy to quantify gets thrown out of the evaluation. Like for
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example, despising virtually all options it opens up, not having much
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use for it on the paths I *do* like, and continuing now that I have
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actually found said real options would just be a waste of time.
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You are now allowed to shun me based on my lack of academic credentials.
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I don’t mind - destroying academia is on my todo list, and regular
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reminders why it has to go probably help.
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---
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So did I mention I actually [started a tumblr](http://muflax.tumblr.com)
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for random snippets and stuff? I’m still not sure if I’m gonna use it or
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anything, but nice pictures keep popping up, and maybe I end up writing
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a few short thingies over there. So far I’ve mostly been reblogging
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[Homestuck](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6) ships.
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Like I said over there, I’d like to eventually talk more coherently (and
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not just meta, but also directly) about ships, and art, and related
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things (, and the Oxford Comma), but I’m still not quite feeling it, so
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maybe it’s just not the right time, or I don’t have enough interesting
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things to say, or whatever. We’ll see. Anyway, it exists now.
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Look, a pug!
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---
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So instead of being a productive member of society, I was mostly busy
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with <del>building additional pylons</del> figuring out how to money, keeping
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Mother Bureaucracy updated and working on moving in together with my
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[moirail](http://mspaintadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Quadrants)
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[^moirail][^otp][^language][^footnotes]
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somewhere in the UK, which will happen in about 2 months when my
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contract at the university runs out and I can leave the country.
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(This might be a good opportunity to point out how
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[Homestuck](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6) has one of the saner
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models of romance and gender, and that this is one of countless benefits
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trolls bring to any story they touch.[^trolls] It also
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highlights by analogy some silliness in the conventional human model by
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showing similar silliness in the troll model. While some trolls insist
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that *ideal* relationships divide nicely into the Four Quadrants, it’s
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clear that in most cases this isn’t the case and it’s much fuzzier, even
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though the quadrants still represent some important components, so wiser
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trolls would realize that and take a more reasonable stance and oppose a
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system that tries to enforce restrictive norms (which, for all we know,
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they *do* - troll society and history is… complicated, as it should be).
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But in contrast to that, trolls *already* have a much better position on
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gender than the humans, who do the same essentialist “two ideal
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categories” crap trolls do with the quadrants.
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So there.)
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On a completely unrelated note, I just want to note how weird it is that
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“yay I’m happy” posts can cause some seriously bad side-effects, and
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that I remember being personally pissed off by them in the past,
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thinking something along the lines of, “well good for YOU that you’re
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happy, I’m still a lonely mess”, and so even though saying (and feeling)
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these things is very important, I still feel uncomfortable talking about
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it, and so will abstain from any more details for now. Compassionate
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community norms are *hard*, and I wanna at least think about them some
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more.[^sharing]
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Regardless, actually moving (especially to a different country) means I
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had to adapt some of my setups.
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I won’t be able to bring my guitar with me for now, but might be able to
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fly it over next year or so. I’m kinda glad I opted for gear that is
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fairly mobile, so transport should be fairly easy once I don’t also have
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to bring all my *other* stuff with me. I’m still committed to the frugal
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ideal that everything you own should comfortably fit into one car at
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most (or you end up limiting your freedom too much), so it’s mostly the
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amp that’s causing trouble (and it’s still primarily monetary concerns
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that I didn’t pick an even smaller one, which oddly enough cost *more*;
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if things go as they usually do, I’ll eventually just build my own).
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I’ve also gotten rid of my old PC setup. I used to have one
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Frankensteinian desktop machine that I cheaply turned into a decent-ish
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gaming rig, but I’ve long intended to retire it. I also had two old-ish
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laptops, and loads of small drives for backups and stuff. The desktop
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was kinda the central machine and everything else synced with it. I now
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switched to one fancy 13-inch MacBook (still running Gentoo, after some
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headaches), kept my
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[keyboard](http://www.diatec.co.jp/en/det.php?prod_c=763) and mouse for
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work that requires them, and put the two large 1.5TB drives from my
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desktop (which mirror each other) into a portable NAS. My total space
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capacity went down a bit that way, and I lost the ability to play some
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high-end games (for now), but meh. (I still kept the old netbook for
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some additional mobility though, but it’s semi-retired.)
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That simplifies my synchronization and backup needs somewhat. All
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small-ish things are automatically copied to various online places. Each
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laptop does a daily backup to the NAS, which also stores most of the big
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media via git-annex. The NAS runs a custom Debian, so it’s also a server
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for all kinds of minor things, including Nethack. Every time I get my
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hands on any other drive I copy as much data onto it as I can fit
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(because why not; I just put my old drives in a box at my parents’ - no
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reason to throw them out), but that’s now gonna be a maybe-once-a-year
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event. (Also, git-annex on an SSD is finally fast enough to be fully
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usable.)
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I was afraid that losing my two big monitors would hurt the most, but
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because I spend most of my time in a text editor or browser anyway, it’s
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actually not a big deal. Workspaces work just as well as additional
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monitors, and 13 inches is plenty. The only thing that’s a pain is if I
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still had to use Eclipse for Java work, but screw that - I’m finally in
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pure Ruby and Haskell nirvana. (I wouldn’t *reject* more monitors if I
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had them available, but I’m not gonna try to carry any around with me
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either.) And finally, not having a “central” machine I can’t move means
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I can now easily snuggle up next to someone and still code, regardless
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where said person happens to be. That’s *so* much more important than
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screen size.
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I still feel kinda sentimental about a “cabin in the woods” setup with
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lots of ancient hardware that runs some custom setup where you wrote
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half the tools (as I used to run for the last few years, and would like
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to have again some time), so having just one main machine (and one
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server-in-a-box) is kinda weird.
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Guess I’m a nomad now.
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---
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Hahaha, oh man. Do you guys remember how over a year ago, I made a List
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Of All My Problems? It was like 260 items long and I thought, yeah,
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that’s probably *it* - some issues might’ve been vague, sure, and others
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irrelevant, but I didn’t think I’d have forgotten anything important.
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Who doesn’t know what their Main Issues are, right?
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I recently looked at this list again and it’s *ridiculous*. It’s not
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just incredibly petty sometimes, many things that have deeply bothered
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me for years and are reason enough to plunge me into suicidality
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whenever they seem unfixable aren’t even on there!
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It’s liberating when radical agnosticism shifts from not knowing most
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answers to not even being sure about the questions. If I don’t even know
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what my real problems are, how can I possibly be upset about them?
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(Also basically everything important on that list has been fixed by
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now.)
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---
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So what’s next?
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Step 1, the prototype: teach a complex skill and make it no longer hard.
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After considering various options in detail[^options], we’ve
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decided to start with German for English speakers. Because we’re still
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developing the courses and improving our teaching skills (well, learning
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from scratch based on ancient scrolls, really), we’re gonna spend a few
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months solely on that and in-person testing, and then Disturb The Peace.
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So if you wanna learn German For Reals Without All The Tedium And Crap
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(or just wanna meet up with me and talk whatever (I’m totes sociable now
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(when I’m not a paranoid ball of anxiety (but I now have a superweapon
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against that (it’s not nested parentheses (just in case you
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wondered)))))), and you’re somewhere in the UK, just leave a comment or
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[contact me](/contact/) in any way you want, and I’ll put you on The
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List and try to make stuff happen as soon as I’m able. (Once the thing
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has been sufficiently tested, there will be an automated, and more
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importantly, online version, of course. Can’t change the world with just
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one meager town and face-to-face interaction, but direct feedback makes
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early development so much easier, so yeah.)
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(Step 2-10 are left unmentioned to maintain the Unspoken Plan Guarantee.
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Things will become clearer eventually.)
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---
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Regardless, that means the next few months are completely filled up by
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logistics, development and being amazed how I can continue to fall even
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more in love every day. Some of that might eventually get better, some
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might not, but I don’t expect too much writing to happen for a while,
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unless I find a way to harvest the power of smooching to produce some
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wicked posts. (I’ve also lost parts of my writing urges for various
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reasons[^reasons], some likely permanently so, but these things
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come and go. I’ve had quiet years and hypergraphic years before.)
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In terms of kinda-planned drafts, I’ve begun to write down my way too
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elaborate Jesus RPG campaign. I’ve given up on ever running it and just
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want it out of my head. I’m about 4k words in, might actually finish the
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thing soon enough, maybe start posting it in small-ish installments once
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I’ve sketched out the whole post structure.
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So overall, I think it’s a good idea to just declare Mission
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Accomplished for the daily logs. I’ve done my first crazy miracle and
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I’m busy working on the next. This site is now officially “whenever,
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whatever”, as long as its kinda coherent. The rest goes to the tumblr.
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…
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Man, [being an adult](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAYL5H46QnQ) is
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*awesome*.
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[^stupid]:
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This is stupid for several reasons:
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- it smushes everything before now into one Prologue, when really
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there are multiple clear “everything changed forever” events
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during that time (e.g. first anime, first time taking Ayahuasca,
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first website (on a shittier version of Geocities, no less)) and
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there’s no overarching unified progression during the whole
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thing (like, Batman loses his parents in his prologue - what one
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critical thing happened to me, exactly?)
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- it places great emotional importance on events that haven’t even
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unfolded yet, like I have secret insights into God’s Narrative
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or sumthin’
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- it uses linear narratives, not
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[shandified](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvwlt4FqmS0) ones
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(who’s to say I won’t *return* to Chapter 1 at some later
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point?)
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- it implicitly assumes one arc has one theme, or at most several
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exactly parallel ones; in other words, whatever Chapter 1 is
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about *ends* with Chapter 1, and if some other stuff happens
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during that time, it either has to end there too, or it must
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just not be what my life is really about
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- it strongly suggest there must chapters after it, thus
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undermining my ability to Fix Everything Forever Like I’m Made
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Out Of Pure Fixeverythingium
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- and seriously, “1”? you can’t even name it something cool, like
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The One With The Robot Snake?
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[^moirail]:
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Don’t know what a moirail is? [Read the
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link](http://mspaintadventures.wikia.com/wiki/Quadrants). While the
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concept strongly overlaps with “bros” and similar things, these tend
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to not get the romantic component of it, or imply weird ideas like
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how this kind of relationship is inherently asexual (fuck no),
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partially I suspect because just mainstream romance/sexuality
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discourse is retarded, so I’m declaring a Special Snowflake
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Exception for “moirail”, as it seems easier to repair these
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misconceptions in a troll-originated concept, than to get [bros to
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finally suck
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cock](http://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeIAmA/comments/1j3uo9/explain_the_term_bromance_like_you_are_a_deeply/)
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and not feel guilty about it.
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Incidentally, the pronunciation of “moirail” is delightfully trolly.
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Personally, I use “meow-rail” for normal use, and “mwah-rail” (with
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implied kissing) when flirting.
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[^otp]:
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I’d also like to note that even though this establishes a canon (and
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muflax-endorsed) \<\> and \<3 dual-ship of muflax+Owen (and I’d
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argue in favor of OTP here), this only expresses my (and Owen’s, and
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arguably the universe’s author’s) opinion, and is no reason to
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abandon other ships or your personal headcanon. I oppose any central
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authority on these matters, even if it might happen to agree with
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me.
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(I also find it really weird to use two different types of names,
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but I wanna be consistent about only using “muflax” for now, even
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though using my first name would allow for an S+O=SO pun, but then I
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hate the “SO” term, so nevermind…)
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I’ve only dabbled in o8\< (mostly by not-always-intentionally
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trolling certain people by acting as a proxy for mindfucky ideas by
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other (crazier) people, and so leading them to write wonderful “the
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fuck is this stuff even about?! I never knew about X until last
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week, and now I’ve realized I’ve hated it MY ENTIRE LIFE!” posts; I
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noticed I’m doing this when friends in 6th grade told me I was the
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one who introduced them to kink, somehow), and I’m totally lacking
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in \<3\<. I mean, I kinda hate
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[Polycarp](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polycarp) but not quite
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enough, and if the [alveolar
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trill](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alveolar_trill) were a person,
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I’d wanna have angry hatesex with it so hard, but I’m not sure that
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counts.
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So the most promising shipping research topic is probably who my
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arch-nemesis is gonna be. Somehow I mostly get into fights with
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concepts, not people.
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[^language]:
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Also, I’m *really* unhappy with established terms to talk about
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“person who I love, like, THIIIIS much”. Like (girl|boy)friend? Fuck
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that. “partner”? Like, the government gets to call ‘em “partner” if
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it wants, and I find it kinda adorable what weirdly formal language
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it comes up with, but it’s not really a very affectionate label, is
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it? Seriously, all options are either super-formal, horrible or real
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silly. (I’m *never* gonna use “SO”. This is too stupid even for me.)
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I’d be ok with “lover” if it didn’t have this connotation that it
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isn’t a serious thing, or “mate” if Australians hadn’t ruined it. So
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for now until I find a term (neologic if necessary) I’m happy with,
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I expect to mood-swing through “partner”, “moirail”, “love” (and I
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really wanna use “hon”, but then I’m tempted to practice a Southern
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accent all day and never get anything else done), and whatever else
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feels slightly less awkward that day.
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Man, /language/, amirite?
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[^footnotes]:
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That’s a lot of footnotes for one word! It’s as if there’s a
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correlation with how important the topic is to me, or the thing it
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refers to…
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[^trolls]:
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Seeker, wear the [troll
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hide](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guy_Fawkes_mask), learn [the
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signs of the
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dakinis](http://buddhism-for-vampires.com/dakinis-karma-mudra) and
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wander into the [Bohemian
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forest](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moulin_Rouge!), where you will
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find a [four-headed statue](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perun)
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proclaiming Beauty, Freedom, Truth and Love, which grants liberation
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to all who know the magic song. A servant of [Grandma
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Bonylegs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baba_Yaga) once sung it to
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me, but I can never quite [keep it in my
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head](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MvFpJBJSPRA)…
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[^sharing]:
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Part of my writing philosophy has always been “write what I actually
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wanna read more of”, and so I’m pissed at myself that I *don’t*
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share a lot more here, cause this is exactly what I’d love to read
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about, and so not doing it is a concession to lameness itself. But
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I’m also paranoid about various perverse incentives and
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substitutions (i.e. writing more about the thing than actually doing
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the thing, or in this case, person (BOOM FLAWLESS INNUENDO)), and so
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for now I’m gonna be mostly silent while I think it through.
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The other problem is that *this stuff is hard to write about*. It’s
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weird how “this is not a *real* medium” is one of those statements
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that *incredibly* piss me off, like every time someone says “games
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aren’t art” or “but you can’t trust someone over *text*” (aside from
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the retarded conceptions of “art” and “trust” that underlie this
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nonsense), and so *not being able to write about something* because
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I just wouldn’t know how is a deep moral failure for me, and when I
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find myself thinking “I can’t write about that, who would want to
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read that?!, and anyway, I don’t even know how to english it to
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begin with”, I feel like I’m Failing At Life, and everything that
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matters *at all* gets betrayed because of some stupid sense of
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boundaries or expectations.
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So I gotta figure something out, and beat this old narrative machine
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into a decent enough approximation of half my feels. Just gimme some
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time to adjust.
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[^options]:
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Also considered, among other things:
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- different places, most importantly Canada (but their bureaucracy
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tries to cockblock me as hard as it can while still claiming
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they want valuable immigration with a straight face), and Berlin
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(not ideal for the skill set we currently have, but I’d still
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like to re-visit at some point in the near future, maybe in the
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form of some grand Europe Tour)
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- different language, primarily French (possibly the next one),
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Japanese (would love to do it next, but I really want either
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more teaching experience or a fluent speaker to work with first,
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so it had to wait) and English (not enough resources right now)
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- math and physics up to undergraduate level or so (much harder to
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get a properly incentivized audience, but real high up on the
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list and long-term mandatory (and I like everything about it,
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including teaching it), but not the right thing to bootstrap
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with)
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- different timeline / “business model” / major reordering of The
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Plan (long story, but tl;dr: everything else is predictably
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stupid-in-retrospect, and so doesn’t make sense)
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[^reasons]:
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Various reasons:
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- much lower need for outside approval, and actively working on
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lowering it even more; [Arline’s
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Mantra](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/What_Do_You_Care_What_Other_People_Think%3F)
|
||
“What Do *You* Care What Other People Think?” helps a lot to
|
||
clarify and work through these issues, but kills ranty blogs
|
||
dead
|
||
- after some discussions with
|
||
[David](http://meaningness.com/metablog/how-to-think) and Owen,
|
||
I’m pretty strongly in the “most philosophy (i.e. the stuff I
|
||
talked about a lot) has only negative value by removing
|
||
misconceptions” camp now, so the only interesting stuff for me
|
||
is foundational stuff that directly leads to engineering stuff,
|
||
and so I find myself only reading Skinner, Mill and similar
|
||
folks, if even that
|
||
- too sane; I kinda have a tendency to get worked up about stupid
|
||
shit (in entertaining ways, at least, but still) when I don’t
|
||
have a calming influence in my life; have that now, feel much
|
||
less crazy (except in a good way)
|
||
- speaking of Feynman and craziness, you gotta *do* crazy shit
|
||
occasionally so you can later *talk about it*; currently in that
|
||
phase
|