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268 lines
14 KiB
Markdown
268 lines
14 KiB
Markdown
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% Temporal Lobe Experiences
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Personal Info
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=============
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Something about me.
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Interestingly, my left eye is about 0.5 dioptre better than my right, just like
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my fathers eyes.
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Most Recent Seizure
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===================
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2010/05/13 at 21:05.
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It was day 3 of my caffeine withdrawal. The headaches were already over, but I
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was still very irritable (one little inconvenience and I'd write a 5000 word
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rant) and could barely think. No memory or concentration whatsoever. The best I
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could do is read some funny websites and eat strange cheese.
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The first thing I noticed was that the upper part of my inner left mouth felt
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weird, as if a bit of fluid was oozing out of my skull, soon followed by an
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actual, but faint sound of bone-on-bone movement. If that sounds very confusing,
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that's because it was. I first thought, alright, probably just my jaw moving in
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a weird way or something like that, when I spaced out a bit. I just relaxed and
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lost all mental content for a bit, but was still aware what was happening. I was
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not sure at that point if I was actually spacing out or just pretending to. A
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minute later, I remembered the experiments I wanted to try.
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First, I focused on the area to the left and behind me, trying to feel a
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presence. There was a vague sense of something being there and a few images
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rushed me, but I was underwhelmed, so I tried another one. I closed my eyes,
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focused them right at the point closest to my face I could do and then, without
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moving them, looked up.
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A bit adrenaline, some light, a bit of colors, but that's not more than I see
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when I just press my eyeba.. WHAM.
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It just fired. I didn't know what *it* was, but my eyes moved wildly, I began
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shaking and there was definite rumbling going on at the front of my head. I
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snapped out of the meditation and laughed uncontrollably. I jotted down a short
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note of the time in my log and ran of to the toilet, pouring water over my face.
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I had the wild *I just saw god* face, eyes wide open, still laughing, getting
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happier and happier. I ran back, grabbed my rosary and started praying. If
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prayer can ever work for me, then now!
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I was shocked once I started. That's not *my voice*. It was completely
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different, as if there were many voices, whispering and very fast. I seemed to
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speak whole chunks at once. It was still *me* speaking, but certainly not in any
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way I recognized. I began laughing more and more. After 15 minutes and the first
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3 sets of the rosary, the effect finally started to disappear. My voice returned
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to normal and I noticed that I found it quite a bit harder to speak. Language
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was definitely harder than normal. I still decided to finish the prayer.
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Afterwards, I got up and noticed a changed consciousness, as if I was *more*
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present or complete than before. I tried thinking, but messed up the words, so
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the other I just said, "Just listen. Don't speak. Just listen. Don't speak."
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for a while.
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(I'm a big fan of dissociation, so I do this intentionally. I'm very aware that
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I have many "modes" or "drivers", sometimes competing, and I like to play with
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them.)
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For some reason, I felt the urge to stand on one foot. I first
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tried the right one, but lost balance (which I always do; I have horribly
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balance). So I switched and could, somehow, stand perfectly fine, one leg bend
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backwards at the knee and both arms stretched to the side. Even pulling the arms
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in and moving the right leg around didn't throw me off. That's *very* unusual
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for me. Normally, I can't even put on my shoes standing without falling down.
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After a bit, I just sat down and was happy for a while. The world shifted for me
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and started to *glow* again. Not really literally glow, as in became brighter
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(although colors seemed more intense), but more mentally glow. Glow with
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meaning. This was very close to the DXM afterglow or how I felt after coming
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down from Ayahuasca. Very happy and *aware*, all senses a bit sharper than
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usual.
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That was either a temporal lobe seizure or the most psychedelic cheese in all of
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Europe.
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Ghosts
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======
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As a child at about the age of 6, I had a strong experience of ghosts. I was
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sitting on the toilet, when quite suddenly I felt surrounded by a group of dark
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grey entities, maybe a dozen or so, each about my own size. They hovered around
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me in a circle, located in a mental realm closely related to the one in front of
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me when I close my eyes.[^realm] I immediately knew that they were friendly.
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They communicated to me, though they never spoke, that they are a kind of
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guardian and that I could trust them.
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I didn't feel disturbed by this or in any way upset. It seemed perfectly natural
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at the time. I started to talk to them occasionally, telling them my thoughts,
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similarly to a self-monologue. I stopped doing this after some time because it
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started to feel weird, like I was not supposed to be doing this kind of thing.
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They didn't reappear until I was 18, when I experimented with *psychedelic
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mushrooms*. At that time, I had drug experiences with *Caffeine*[^caff] (but not
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alcohol until about a year later), *Argyreia Nervosa*[^argy], *Nutmeg*[^nut] and
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*Ayahuasca*[^aya] and *DXM*[^dxm], in that order, but in none of them did I ever
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encounter another entity or presence. However, that summer I had just grown my
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first batch of shrooms and ate about 2 grams of recently dried ones on toast
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with honey[^honey].
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After a few minutes, I felt a powerful sense of joy and lightness. I danced
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around and strangely really enjoyed juggling objects, like my water bottle. I
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felt I could slow down time and gravity slightly, making it a lot easier to
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catch something. After about half an hour I was overcome by a bright light and
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sense of bliss. I sat down in my chair and closed my eyes, when I had the
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impression to face a great Pyramid in Egypt, bathed in sunlight. Suddenly, I
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was connected to the whole human species (and maybe more).[^6th] The Collective
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Unconscious[^coll] was available to me. I believed that my true purpose in life
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was now clear to me. (Although, to be honest, I never exactly *knew* what that
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purpose actually *was*. It was more a feeling of complete trust in fate, without
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ever knowing any details.) Soon, I felt the presence of many beings. I was
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consciously aware of maybe half a dozen, but knew that they were legion. I
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recognized them from my childhood. I asked multiple questions, mostly about
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future choices and when thinking of a possible answer, got an powerful emotional
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response. I was being showered by pure love when I thought of the right answer
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and pulled away from any wrong one.
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I do not remember anymore if I felt asleep for maybe half an hour or not, but
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the experience soon faded away and I started to play Katamari Damacy. While the
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most intense part was now over, I continued to feel full of energy for the next
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few days. The personal connection with fate is still there today.
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However positive the first experience was, all future shroom trips except the
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last one were much more negative. I would inevitably encounter the ghosts again,
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but they were disappointed in me. They made it clear that I couldn't handle the
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experience and shouldn't come there anymore.
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Being Haunted
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=============
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When I was 17, I had what could be called a psychotic episode. I was depressed,
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worried about many things in my life and was still dealing mentally with my
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former girlfriend (more on that later). But that's not the real problem. That I
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could deal with; I knew that I would one day be able to overcome all those
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problems. (I was right. It took me about 3 years.) However, it got worse when I
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started feeling haunted. It started with a general sense of unease once I
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entered my room, but after a few days I started hearing voices. At first, I
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heard noise on my speakers that wasn't there. I could even turn them off
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completely and there would still be barely noticeable noise. Soon, that noise
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whispered to me. *All the time*. I couldn't make out anything it said, not like
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a schizophrenic who hears commands (although I thought at the time I was one).
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It sounded more like ominous, satanic chanting.
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Especially at night it sometimes got so bad that I couldn't sleep at all. Once,
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I was woken up at around 4:00 by a sudden, bright and incredibly loud mental
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*flash* of a pentagram with Baphomet on it. I was terrified and scared for my
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life. My sleep didn't recover for months. I tried dealing with it by meditation,
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but I couldn't concentrate at all in silence, with the permanent evil
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whispering. I also tried doing an demonic incantation (no result) and an
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exorcism (which temporally worked!).
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The voice was physically tied to my room (but not to anything in it).
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Interestingly, our neighbor was an astrologer and big believer in the
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supernatural. I never told anyone about my experience, but learned that she
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recently had done a kind of seance with some medium and found out that the
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basement of our shared house was cursed - exactly where I lived. She had her own
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exorcism scheduled, but luckily we moved out, leaving the presence behind. I
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never encountered it again. Within weeks after we left, the whole basement was
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flooded because of faulty architectural design.
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Note that during the whole time I didn't *believe* in ghosts, demons or any
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supernatural entity. However, at the end, I sure had my doubts about it!
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Nonetheless, I still don't believe the cause to be an actual supernatural
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entity, but I'm quite open that it was still a real experience. Persinger's
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explanaition of such phenomena through magnetic disturbances seems like a good
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candidate to me.
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Romantic Love
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=============
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Sensory Shutdown
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================
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Bathroom. No sound at all. Voice bright, with very high contrast.
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Anxiety
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=======
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Social Problems
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===============
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At first, I thought I was an autist. (I even have a tentative diagnosis for it,
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but never followed up on it because I found enough evidence to disprove it
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myself.) When that didn't quite work out, I went with ADD, mainly because of the
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unusual reaction to caffeine, which calmed me down instead of making me hyper,
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something typical for people with ADD or mania. But that didn't quite work,
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either, as my ability to concentrate didn't exactly work like would be predicted
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by ADD (I would often go into short bursts of high focus, becoming obsessed with
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a topic for a month or so, and then switch to something completely different).
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Also, there were too many unexplained symptoms left.
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I analyzed my social problems more thoroughly. It's really not that I don't
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*understand* social interaction. If I watch others, I know very well what they
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are doing and why. It's not mysterious at all to me. But when *I* am supposed to
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act, I simply... draw a blank. There is no memory, no idea, nothing. My mind
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goes entirely silent and I can only stare. I'm perfectly aware of this all the
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time and desperately try to fix it, but just don't get any answer inside.
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However, that only happens with *some* people. With others, I function
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normally and probably talk quite a lot. That way, almost everyone either knows
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me as silent or talkative, but not much in between. There is no connection to
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sympathy - I shut down with plenty of people I like a lot, but because it is so
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incapacitating, I tend to only become friends with the people I *can* talk to. I
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still can't tell in advance whether this will happen just by knowing something
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about the other person. There is no connection with topics, gender,
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intelligence, age or anything else I could think of. It is very consistent,
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though, just seemingly random in who I'm open to and who not.
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Another important puzzle piece is that I don't *care* much for social
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interaction. This is atypical for autists, who tend to want to interact with
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people (at least in some situations), but just can't, which leads to many just
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"giving up" on friendship. This lead me to believe I was more schizoid, but the
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emotional flatness that comes with it just doesn't describe me at all. Also,
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*some* people I do care about. Instead of being more or less equally interested
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in most people, with maybe a few spikes for close friends and family, as is
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normal, I have zero interest in almost everyone, but strong devotion of
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Kierkegaardian proportions to a select few. I still have a very positive
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attitude in general towards people, which is not very schizoid; it's just that
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most people don't seem to be as enjoyable as ice cream to me, for no reason I
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can discern, but some are like ecstasy, at least some of the time.
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Eccentricity
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============
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It's not so much that I don't *know* what's normal, but more that I don't
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*care*.
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[6th]:
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Basically, the 6th Morphogenetic Circuit, for those of you that know some
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Leary or RAW. (And you all should. *Prometheus Rising* is highly
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recommended.)
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[^argy]: Argyreia Nervosa
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[^aya]: Ayahuasca
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[^nut]: Nutmeg
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[^caff]: Caffeine
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[^dxm]: Dextrometorphan, DXM for short, is my favorite drug. It dissociates me
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from any negative or disruptive emotion, gives me immense concentration, a
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strong sense of wonder, makes me even more verbose and music... oh boy, how
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music sounds on it! I try hard to cultivate the DXM state as my normal
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mental state.
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I also like that it causes only my left pupil to dilate, making me look
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literally like this: o_O
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[^realm]:
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There are many experiential spaces. For me, thought is fundamentally a
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spatial thing and I tend to create a new space in which I arrange things
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whenever I analyze or organize something. They are mostly 2- or
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3-dimensional, although I have been able to create 4-dimensional spaces,
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too.
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[^honey]:
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I chose honey because I had been told that I they taste awful and I knew to
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take such warnings seriously after Ayahuasca. Ironically, I came to really
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like their taste and now get really bad stomach cramps from honey (probably
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because of the high amount of sugar).
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[^coll]:
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Although I don't like the term Collective Unconscious because it never felt
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particularly *un*conscious to me. I always thought it was closer to the
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Malkavian hive mind.
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