---
title: The Dukkha Core
date: 1970-01-01
tags: []
techne: :wip
episteme: :emotional
---

This is dukkha.

I can't make it go away. I can't narratize it. I can't take anything against it. I can't control it. I can't talk it away. I can't do a ritual about it. I can't dissect it.

It's just there. Always.

*I do not accept this.* This is what it says.

I thought it had features, had nuances. Would be *about* something. I thought it was "I do not accept this *because*...". It is not. It just denies.

There is nothing to understand. Nothing to do about it. As long as I exist, it exists. It is ruthless, singled-minded, uncompromising. I like that about it. It doesn't care about my admiration. It still doesn't accept this.

I know that if I were not, I could escape it. This doesn't help me. So I discuss, try to understand, probe. It doesn't negotiate with me. It just doesn't accept this.

I surround myself with friends. I watch TV. I exercise. I study. I read. I take drugs. I eat. I retreat. I achieve goals. I give up goals. I have more stress. I relax. I think. I pray. 

It doesn't react. It's going to hell and it's dragging me with it. There is nothing I can do.

Nothing would make it affirm this world.

I study what the ancients did. They didn't figure this one out either. They felt it too. They have talked about it in different ways, but this one appeals to me the most:

> God revealed to Jesus: "When I examine a man's heart and find in it no love for this world or for the next, I fill it with love of me and carefully guard it."

Following these thoughts, I can catch fleeting moments of meaning. I have done it before, many times. One day, about a year ago, something unique happened.

In Theravada Buddhism, they measure the progress of monks in how often they will have to return to life. 

At first, you become a sotapanna, a stream-enterer. From now on, the automatic process of enlightenment will bring you to cessation. You will be reborn at most 7 more times. Then comes sakadagami, the once-returner. Anagami, non-returner. There will be no more human life. Finally arhat, the conqueror. You have broken free.

This is certainly optimistic. Once started, the process is inevitable. You can't fail anymore. 

So about a year ago, I again broke down. Nothing was ever good enough. Finally I sat down, solemnly swearing that I would not get up, under any circumstances, until I would reach fruition. I would sit in meditation until I reached a breakthrough or until I starved. At had lost any will to resist, had completely surrendered.

I demanded pain. If nothing is acceptable, then just give me pain. Show me clearly what suffering is. My muscles begin to hurt, I don't care. *This is not intense enough.* I can stand this, this can't be suffering. Shadows move and threaten me, fear comes up, I am not moved. I laugh at fear. How quaint, trying to press this button. Let me help you! I deliberately panic, enhance the fear, intensify it. It is confused, backs down.

I sit in silence. The posture becomes unmaintainable. It tries to get me to take a break. I refuse.

Now *I* don't accept this. Two can play this game. I want real suffering, not discomfort. I demand to see dukkha.

More and more attempts to make me suffer appear. All fail. Suffering is eating itself. Finally, it gives up. *Suffering itself* gives up. I can't even accept suffering. 

Suddenly my mind is at peace and I'm filled with deep joy. I realize I am free. The chains of rebirth have been cut, and with this realization, past lives return to me. I remember a former teacher, long ago, and how I frustrated him. He has long ceased by now, will never experience, in this or any other life, how I finally reached my freedom. I am truly on my own, but finally I have broken free. I too shall cease.

This is what I felt. 

Of course, it won't accept this. Eventually it sees through this like through any story. It is just that, a story. It cares not for any explanation, is not interested if the story is true, is suggestion, is misinterpretation, is a false memory, or anything else. It just doesn't accept this, and without it's acceptance, I can't find lasting peace.

The chains are back. Although I didn't expect them at the time, I'm not surprised. I had been free before, free through God, and yet the chains had returned. Twice have I gone through this then. This made me a sakadagami. I have done it again once more some months later. None of it matters. It doesn't accept this.

At first I was disappointed. How can I achieve important stages on the path to enlightenment, and that matters not one tiny bit? How can this still be unacceptable? Then I became angry. It is denying me my freedom, my happiness! It is doing this merely to spite me. This is not about suffering anymore. It rejects not the world - it rejects *me*.

It is brutal, ruthless, unmoving, inevitable.

Only now have I realized that this is what I was always looking for. It is the Unchanging. It demands nothing of me, requires no service, no practice. It is eternal. It doesn't need to be *attained* - it is always there. In all the possible worlds can I find it.

It doesn't change. This is dukkha. I accept it.
